I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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