He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
