The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
