so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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