He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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