you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize