I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
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