On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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