i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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