he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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