I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
