Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
