So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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