It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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