Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
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