Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
