I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
do nipples grow back?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
