Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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