I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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