im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I wish life had little blips of pornography
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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