apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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