Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
