i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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