2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Good news!! I can adult!! ๐ turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ๐ญ๐
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