the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
