I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
