My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
