theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
