Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
