hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
