We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
