So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize