i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
