Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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