haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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