Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
