Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
