i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
