my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
