All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
