You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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