Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
