Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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