I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
