I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize