Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
