I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
