The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Randomize
