Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
