come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
