I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
