I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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