i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
