When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
pop tarts are not kleenex
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
