Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Fuck appropriateness.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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