There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
