I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
