Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
