Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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