By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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