she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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