I think I am morally bankrupt
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
