I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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