i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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