Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
