It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
